My brain itches…

I wish I had a recorder inside of my brain so I could play back all the absurd nonsense that flows through my ears. Some people would  think it’s the creative mind at work, but my mind goes straight to instant paranoia or what normal people would say is irrational and absurd thinking. And by normal I mean my therapist.

I hate to categorize or label, but the truth of the matter is I am definitely not the same person I was 10 years ago. Okay, I get that everyone can say that, and people evolve…blah blah blah, but from the experiences of war, death, violations, and internal struggles of my actual reality; my brain has completely reinvented itself into a ball of absurd mush that I battle to control in my everyday life.

Now, completely doped up on anti depressants, pain medication, and anti-anxieties, the monsters are tamed, or for better words numbed. I can live my life on a day to day basis throwing up a fake “hello, neighbor” to keep the questions at bay, or the “hi, how are you?” slowly make eye contact, now get the fuck out of this aisle before my shaking voice evolves into my shaking body. Without even moving my heart rate can sky rocket to unbearable bpm’s, I’d say it’s pretty impressive. Because lately it’s hard to find anything to be proud of anymore.

Now that I’ve completely lost track, which happens to me in every day conversations, where my words lose meaning and my thoughts change to a subtle shade of gray and I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about until I’m reminded for the 5th time where our conversation went. Ah, yes…my therapist.

I find it comical walking into an office, sitting in front of a PTSD professional, who clearly hates where he works because he doesn’t bother to hang pictures which would lead to “settling”. But they are laying on the floor against the walls. Baby steps, right? Come on now, hang the pictures and fake the smile like I do everyday just to appease the masses.

The heavy sigh makes me feel like I’m bothering him, which infuriates me even more because I’m just trying to get “fixed” like society wants. I just want my brain to stop having sword fights with itself and  calm the fuck down and not dream about being buried alive. But it’s just another day at the office. Except I get paid way less.

We sit and chat like we are total strangers, when in reality he really just wants me to get down to the raw and dirty details of why I’m so “traumatized”. He understands my brain more than I do, but for some reason there is still no insta-cure to why I am the way I am now. The hour passes, hopefully something is retained from the charts and exercises I’m urged to use to get through with my daily conflicts. Those papers are flooding the back seat of my car. I’m still trying to accept this forced change of life style. Time to switch hats. Thanks doc, see you in a month.

Where to begin….

I finally started this blog after much debate with myself. I’ve gone back and forth wondering if it would do me or anyone any good to share the inner thoughts and conversations I have in my own mind. Originally, I wanted to title this “My Dialogues With PTSD”, but I didn’t want to limit the conversations. The world is ever changing and our thoughts and behaviors tend to follow suit. At least mine tend to.

Just to be blunt…This is a raw, rude, and sometime offensive blog of conversations I have with myself or the way I perceive the world. Sometimes I like to tell myself that things are going to go back to the way they were, but it’s time to be honest and accept the shitty truth. I have come to learn, even though circumstances may come out to be the worst, there is always a lesson to learn.

I’m hoping once the word gets out, it will help others to let out the conversations they have with themselves; the self-doubt, arguments, constant havoc, confusion, and sometimes twisted humor that goes on inside of our minds. We mask these conversations daily. We hide our most inner thoughts that are  destroying us little by little every day. As I carry a heavy burden of internal conflict, I’m hoping confronting these conversations and letting them out in the open will encourage others to do the same, and let go of the war within.

You’re welcome to share your conversations, and hopefully find some twisted way of accepting the way things are now.

Time to bring out the demons.