There are days where I feel I can share anything and everything, but there are days I am so tight lipped and out of it I feel like a mute. A heaviness surrounds my senses and I can’t convey the way I feel to those that are closest to me.
It’s complicated. I hate it. One day I feel like I can take on the world. I’m criticized for not slowing down, but I can’t. I have so much time to make up. I have wasted so much time struggling to get a grip and get going. I have to keep moving or I will fall back into the heaviness that is my brain.
And the judgement will begin. I am no longer battling within myself but those who are supposed to be my people. The looks and the comments. The silent gestures and tones change from an instant. Of course it’s my fault and I’ll ask what is wrong.
And it’s the same thing.
“You’re being weird.”
“You act like you don’t want me to even be around you.”
“I make you miserable, and it shows by your sudden change of mood.”
I hear these weekly. I try to explain it’s not them, it’s me. But that is so cliche. No one believes that line. But I have nothing else to say. It truly is me and not them. I can’t help when I fall back into myself and my behaviour becomes cold. I’m aware of it. I’m working on fixing it. But they will never understand, they may passify me for that moment. But the cycle will begin again. And again. And…again.
Dialogues of... 
Good for you. I am no guru or anybody to give advice but perhaps I might encourage. Sometimes the desperate need to make sense of things is painful and lonely. But it is with purpose and necessary. It may be that your soul is awakening you to the singular miracle that you are. The older ways sometimes die hard and the path leads one into solitude. Others will typically not understand because they are not seeking as profoundly as you are. I see hope in your title “Struggling to Speak.” The struggle reveals your strength not you weakness. I bet you posess a fierce stubbornness that rises in you at times when hopefulness fades. Hang in there my friend. Trust that your soul and your creator will guide you into an understanding of those groanings that are too deep for words. You will acquire a new vocabulary and your words will fall like gifts of grace from a knowing and playful and tranquil heart. Blessings. Plato
LikeLike
Thank you for your encouragement. I appreciate the advise and I am so thankful for your words.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope it was not intrusive in any way. I just felt moved somehow to reach out if only through my fumbling words. I’ve been through a little bit and I wanted you to know the “struggle” has purpose. I’m old so maybe you can accept me saying I recognize the beauty you seek and that I am proud of you. Keep fighting till you figure out you never needed to. Peace. Plato
LikeLike
And I like the name of your blog. Just Kat is all you ever need to be.
LikeLike
I left a comment here but now I don’t see it. Sometimes WP is weird. Please let me know if it does not show up. You are already well. It just may take a little while for your belief and understanding to accept it. Good for you. I see much hope in what you write. It may feel exactly opposite sometimes but the fierce stubbornness in you that continues to search in spite of everything is so much more powerful than you know. But you will. Blessings. Plato
LikeLike